Ye Olde Reviewer

The Candle

Imagine yourself on a deserted island….no, not that sort of island. Let’s try that again you flat apricot. Imagine yourself on a deserted island. You’re not too imaginative are you. Another one perhaps? Imagine yourself on a deser….ah yes there we go. I fail to understand the need for that wagon over there but it matters not. This island is unpopulated, surprisingly, and there is little else around aside from the occasional bush or tree. It is dark, the hour is late and you are cold. I forgot to mention that the island is cold. It is cold on the island. There is nothing here to protect your sanity or yourself with. Oh dear. The moment is lost, and you fear for your life. Now what is it that would help you most in this dire situation….oh look, a Candle.

To what do we owe this miraculous invention of the 12th Century, wait, that date doesn’t sound too accurate. Nevermind then, let’s just say that Candles were always there, such lovely, bright things they are. It appears that one day when a rather obtuse individual decided to go on an adventure, he had the need for a small and perfectly portable source of light. Yes, that makes sense. This creature then fashioned a solid block of wax, out of thin air i might add, which we’ll discuss at a later time….and then proceeded to place a tiny wick or piece of string within the wax. This little wick thingy would then be ignited, melt or burn up a little, vaporize the surface layer of the wax slowly, and then feed off the fuel which would proceed to travel up its stalk. Oh Science, i do love you the mostest. And thus, there was light, and heat, and a rather unique way of keeping time, apparently. Fascinating isn’t it? (Oh shut up!)

The production of candles has become quite popular since that horrible and very very dark  time. They have many uses including that of romantic gesture, the aiding of meditation, making things look fancy and of course, light. Those remarkable individuals that produce these candles are called Chandlers, a strange title for an even stranger profession one would think. Well, someone has to do it. What i fail to understand is, why didn’t that obtuse individual just use a flashlight in the first place….silly.


The Green

Have you ever found yourself to be angry, perhaps even infuriated at the most trivial of problems. Do you ever have the urge to pulverize something with your bare fists purely for your enjoyement. Or perhaps this ‘thing’ has insulted your pride in a manner most displeasing. Let us paint you as the atypical Tree Frog who has been cursed to a life without a princess, and without the means to find your way out of this predicament. Can anyone say Emerald? What is the most common factor amongst all of these perplexing mind-melders? Why the colour Green of course (Obviously). Thou shalt not covet another man’s wife, or anything related to that man or his wife. Oh what was it called, ah yes, Envy. The Green Eyed Monster, or something, not to be confused with a certain Avenging Green Beastie we all know too well. Yes, Green. It has long been used to describe the most obscure of beasts and butchery in the known lands. And it has done so with great effect. Why, i don’t recall ever being frightened of a Pink Salamander in my travels through the planes. Have you, dear friend?

Now, Gentles and Ladymen, let us delve deeper into the mind of the one known as….Green. It has long been said that Green is the colour of Age, and Reason, and that without its soft and supple wisdom we would be lost to the wind. Somehow i find that hard to understand though since it is a simple colour. But alas, that is all horse shit. It is without a doubt an earthy colour, obviously, and has the tendency to be warm and acidic. This is true. There have been surveys, apparently, in the fascinating lands of Europe and that other place, where it was to be found that Green is the color most commonly associated with nature. As well as youth, spring, hope and of course Envy. This is true as well. Also, to my utmost surprise, it is the colour of growing grass and most leaves. This is sarcasm.

When one has ponderings of all these descriptives and thoughts on such an obscure colour, you begin to wonder why this colour is called Green in the first place. If it is so wonderful, why call it ‘Green’, which in itself is so putrid and Troll-like (See what i did there?). But then again how do i associate the colour Green with all of these concepts and meandering words.

Such a sad colour, this Green fellow, always looking for friends in all the wrong places, and so mossy at times. Despite all of this, he has risen rather rapidly through the ranks of the Colour Spectrum, snuggling up nicely inbetween Blue and Yellow. Those miscreants, always causing trouble. So it is safe to say that he shall be here for a while, with his grounded musings and hulking overtones (I’m on fire!). I leave you now with a few thoughts from the public on how Green has impacted upon their miserable, i mean tranquil, and deliciously flowery lives. Adieu.

Iron Man – Yeah, it’s a ridiculous colour. I mean why go for Green when you could easily get away with red, or a bright Orange. I love Orange!

Cindy – It’s a neat colour. Like when you look up at the sky and all of a sudden aliens appear and pew pew pew pew with their guns and funny heads. It’s awesome!

That One Guy – I like it. It’s so pleasing to the eyes. Know what i mean?

Lady – It’s a decent colour i guess. Where’s my cash?!

Pikachu – Pika Pi! (He hates it)


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